Lord, I'm small potatoes.

OK, I am typing this out a little to get my thoughts written down and to get options open. I am also writing this for opinions, and suggestions, also to let whomever cares know what's going on.

Firstly, my lease ends in May. My room mates, seem to be moving to NYC, or at least they really want to. Many of you know I have lived in 4 places since graduation. I have also had to move studio spaces 6 times. It's really hard to find stable room mates here. Most are students who can't afford it, or people moving on.

I have a great job which has provided me with tons of expendable income. That is good and bad. The good of it has been that I have had the cash flow to go and see other parts of the country, and visit family as often as I can. The bad is that I feel like it has lulled me into a slothful view of life.

My art has gotten progressively better year by year, and I have no complaints there. But Marion, as you know, isn't exactly conducive to a comfortable art "career" or one in general. Although, like I said...I have gotten more commissions and have sold more each year. These are such blessings.

Sorry this is so long.

I have many many many options come May. The 3 I am looking at are Indianapolis, Nashville, and I guess I will let the cat out of the bag...Portland.

Indy has a certain appeal. I have certainly participated in a handful of shows there. I also know about 10 people. Herron School of Art is there, and I was thinking possible graduate work in Painting. It's also relatively close to Ohio, and we all know I seemingly cannot cut the family cord. Other than a few Indianians, my dad is probably my best friend (also a huge blessing)

Ok, on to Nashville. I know 10 to 25 people here. Especially after all the Hershbergers migrate there. It would be a good support group. As far as I can tell Nashville has a good art community for it being in the Midwest. Mary Hackett is one of my favorite artists and she has studio space and shows there. Nashville is also relatively close to Ohio. (See above)

Portland, Ore. My hesitation here is the extreme distance from family. I know nothing about the city (I have been to Nashville only once though, too) I know 5 to 10 people here. I really enjoyed what I saw, and love bikes so that was a plus. Another plus is a good Indiana friend is moving out there (Benji, duh). Also, Lindsey lives out there. I don't want to be like everyone else and just move out there kind of randomly (no offense). I also don't want to be a tag along and have it not work out well and have to move back to Ohio. Seemingly PDX has a pretty good art community, but I don't really know about demand or anything. But I suppose we all need to find a niche somewhere.

Other long shots include: Bloomington IN, Florida, or even Chicago (ew)

Or, I could stay another year and try to stay in this house. The toughy would be to find room mates. I don't want to move to ANOTHER place in Marion.

I just feel like I can't really draw anymore.

I wish to be bilingual, I wish to bridge gaps. I wish to influence lives through mine. I wish I could be a better person. Please fill my short comings, and erase my guilt.

Here is a piece done by Derek Hess, one of my favorite artists. He is based in Cleveland, and I have met him a few times (years ago). I read his blog quite frequently, and even though I may not be a Democrat, I still respect his involvement in politics. We are blessed to have a political system that is run partly by it's citizens. Though it may not be perfect, and maybe there is no perfect candidate...it could be worse. I know I should "support" those candidates which are Republican, but I can't. I see too much corruption and back talking. If I vote Obama/Biden, I hope I am not merely voting for a new kind of politics, but one which is open to all belief and acceptance. Because our differences should be celebrated and people should be loved, and not segregated into categories which damn them. I'm sick of being a Christian and voting Republican and being in a box. My life isn't reduced to "wedge" issues as it seems the Republicans make it. I'm sorry, but gay marriage, abortion, and immigration are not issues of my Faith, but they are issues which are about humanity. For me, the best way to serve humanity is not to judge it, but to love the unloved and to serve them as Christ would.

I don't know why I work so hard sometimes. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels in most areas of life. Spiritual, art, relationships, etc. Goals I have feel like rubber band dreams. Just when I think I am getting closer to one, it slingshots away. People say "That's how life is...blah, blah, blah." Thanks for not listening, people.

I don't know what I'm doing, or why I do it.

Tel Aviv

Tel Aviv we've not stopped living
Tel Aviv we've worn it on our sleeve
Tel Aviv we've separated
Tell her we've won.

Oh dear forlorn lady in the desert
Oh dear a lady amongst the sand
Oh dear she's lost it, it's something important
Oh dear that lady, she seems so grand

Tel Aviv you know what she's doing
Tel Aviv you know where she's been
Tel Aviv it's Lebanon calling
Tell her that she's the one.

The quarter, followed closely by the Susan B. Anthony dollar is my favorite coin.

Sometimes (ok most times) when I get quarters in change I look at their dates. For some reason, I try to imagine where they have been and who have spent them. I try not to think about how dirty money is, but of nuance of an inanimate object. They don't know where they've been or anything. They just are. They are a necessity to society and have impact in economy by just being in existence.

I think the oldest quarter I have gotten in awhile is a 1962. Think about the historical happenings of those times and apply it to the quarter it's self. It's kind of a neat reflection on the state our lives are in.

Why can't we all be as stalwart a quarter?

Today someone told me my art was 67 years too late.

Yeah, I suppose it's true that I really don't know exactly what I want from life.

I have to document this, because of it's oddity. It so closely resembles fate, I can scarcely disbelieve in it anymore. Ok, for those of you who have known me for a long time/remember/read this at all...you might remember my first screen name was a laughable "daftpunk68". We didn't have AOL so I couldn't get the coveted @aol.com suffix. But the next best thing in email then was Yahoo. So I promptly made a user name there as daftpunk86@yahoo.com. No, that's not a mistype, I couldn't get 86 for an AIM name so I switched the number around. We being that I "matured" over time, I wanted a new, untraceable user name for my yahoo.com email. I came up with, in 2001 "b765_b@yahoo.com" I wanted something simple and easy to remember, so I used the numbers "765". About a year later when researching schools I chose Indiana Wesleyan and have spent 7 years off and on here. Well I just noticed the choice of my email slightly predates my arrival to Marion, In...which conveniently has the area code of what? "765".

"Why I never got married? Well, I was always afraid that my wife might look at one of my paintings and say: 'Mmm very nice, dear...' There's love and there's painting. And we only have one heart" - Edgar Degas

I don't know how I feel about this one:

(Untitled)

Get away from me multi swimsuited girl

Blackberry me!

Oh-so-cute, and I'm in love.

You drink.

I wanted to document this limerick of sorts:

Cannibalism 101

If you are what you eat,
and dead people are the feast...
Than you are not alive.
Not in the least.

May my wants be needs and my needs be pure. Let blessings flow in right time, and let patience accompany me until then. I swear I'll try, I promise I'll try, I'll be a light pointing backwards to You. Create a lead path, one well seen, so no doubt may seed. Just my feet on the path and my eyes on Your deed.

The following is a random text I received today on the drive home:

#: "wol need to give me back my hair straightener back before the cops get involved Jj-lashana"

Me: "Girl u right"

#: "Yea just wait till they test you. You will fail for all the drugs you do. All you had to do was give it back"

At this point, I decided to not text back. I didn't want to escalate a text war with someone who thought I was someone else. It was worth it for the reply though.

Tonight I was at the local video store and they had Sega games for sale for 2 bucks. I should have bought one, but the only choices were Baseball '95 and Tennis. I examined the tennis one and decided it was a no go. Then the cashier asked me if I was interested in buying one and I said kind of, because I still play my old Sega. He was really impressed and asked me what I played most. I told him NBA JAM T.E. then we agreed the original was better, but this one was still good. Good convo. I kind of wanted to launch in to the story about me saving all my money in like 6th grade to buy my own Sega (which was then $100) but I didn't I think I saved myself some embarrassment.

I'm not sure I can count on my hands how many people I know who are pregnant or have newborns right now. Should I be frightened?

Art show tonight. Should be good.

"Old Tooth" - Alumni Show - Maxwell Shutt, Jeff Beaver, Chris Boyer, Julie Schrock, Eric Helvie. 6PM - 10PM - 1920 Gallery - IWU Student Center.

Happy St. Patrick's day.

Sometimes I can't help but feel alone with my art. I put so much work into it, I get praise and a certain level of fulfillment. But often times it's the most time consuming thing in my life. It's like being a single dad. (stick with me here) You have to make constant arrangements to make sure you have a space, you turn down plans to hang out with inanimate objects, you are perceived as being lazy or a mooch, it costs time and money to produce, it takes time to earn the money to produce it, most often you don't get money for it, you don't get what you truly desire from it. Which for me, that's mainly an understanding between you and the viewer. Or a respect. Most of the time, you get empty compliments, false praise, disapproving comments/glances etc. For what? It has to be the least fulfillment per hour spent out of any job I know besides teaching, janitorial services, or being a garbage man. All of with are so integral to modernity. And so is art. So then what?

I have friends who give good advice, but aren't as invested as maybe parents or a significant other. My parents are 4 hours away, and I am most definitely single. I really desire someone to be totally transparent with. I want to be that person for someone too, but I can't help but think that those are selfish desires. And as said in previous posts I believe as humans we are meant to love and be loved. Although, both I would say are getting something out of that too.

Women for the most part in my experience don't want to take a back seat to anything (understandably so) and even though I desire what I said above, my art is a major passion of mine too. Thus my thinking I will probably not have what I desire anytime in the near future.

I'm sick of college towns and students, I'm sick of their out look. I'm sick of my own outlook, and I drastically need a change. I believe I am better than the state at which I sit presently. I just have so many bills coming up, I don't think I can afford to pay for a move. I'm just stuck.

Well I have all my pieces framed and ready to go for my show Friday. People keep asking me if I am excited, and I don't really know if I am. I usually don't get excited. I get nervous. Then half way through I don't want it to end. Then I get so tired it's almost unbearable. But one thing remains, and that is I am so thankful to do art, and to have the love of friends who want to come see it. I pray I make a difference in their lives.

Sounds so cliche, but you really have to do everything by yourself. No one will be there to help you. So if you want something done, get off your ass and do it. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and don't rely on anyone, they'll let you down.

Trust only in His trust.

Sometimes I feel like the desires of my life some how impeded on a grand scheme. I feel guilty half of the time, and hopeful the other half. The thing about desire is that you never know how sinful and self serving they actually could be. I'm not really sure about this, but it seems like I keep figuring out the only things in life I want are for me. According to a grand scheme, it's not about me, it's pretty much about everyone else.

I don't feel like I can really trust myself, considering I am so fallen. My self esteem when it comes to deliverance is next to nothing. Guilt sometimes makes me feel like a lost cause. Just when I think I can't get any lower, it tricks me and down I fall.

I guess my ultimate question is: Why do I feel guilty for a pang of neediness in my heart? I was created to need only One, but I often feel so lonely. Should I want and need the things of this world that ultimately reflect God? I feel unworthy enough as it is, but when I start thinking about the possibility I am just reminded how I don't NEED that fulfillment.

I just need some relief and someone to talk to.

Looks like I'm moving studio's again. Ho-hum.

Worked from 7AM to 4PM. Took a break, came home. Then into the studio from 5PM to 10PM. I got a lot done, including RRL's text, stretched a canvas, and started on my show flyer. Pretty productive, but I am exhausted. I get a mini vacation to Ohio this weekend, so that will help.

Walked into a random downstairs apt. in the same building as my studio. I wasn't really informed that someone would be living there. And the back door is the only door I have the key to. Needless to say, it was pretty awkward. Poor people were just enjoying dinner on the couch. So now I need to get the key to the front door so I don't have to cut through the rented apt. So weird. I just saw my landlord at the gas station, and he just said hi and nothing else. We didn't even discuss the situation. Ah, life.

Recent happenings:
RRL album art
2 possible shows in March
Year 3 24''x 24'' painting
Possible H&W album art?

Longest and most productive weekend in a long while.

This is kind of a joke writing I wrote about brushing teeth. I like it.

To get the cleanest clean
Foam functions

Don't use a wire brush
Gauze function

To sop it all up
But at least I'm tuff.

I slept in my studio last night, and I swear there were people walking around upstairs. It's a really old big house with a million and a half apartments built on. Today, before working on some sketches, I climbed up and looked in the attic. There were a bunch of old boxes. It was really dirty, or I would have dug around up there. I will later.

Goodbye Lenfesty/Fester Center. Hello Pink House/Art Haus. I officially changed studios again. I don't know how permanent this one will be. BUT, there is heat, and it's closer to my house. I can walk there! I am thankful for my provisional blessings. They also seem to be my most superficial...but: beds, a good vehicle, good health, a place to work, family, and friends have all saturated my life.

A water pipe burst in my studio, and everyone moved out. So, that being said, it's not worth it for the land lord to keep it open. So on the 14th, I am moving into a room in his house. That I can supposedly use whenever I want. Hopefully that goes well. At least there will be heat there! Oh, and not to mention running water!