I am in a unique place in life. I have just a tad more responsibility than when I was in college. I don't have the pressure to perform for grades, and I motivate myself. I am not tied down to a specific place. I chose to live here. Since I am none of the things I listed, I can be a great friend to all those still present in Marion.

I want to try to devote and invest into people. I have the time, and I have the people. I want to be a great provider of encouragement, honestly, and an example of Christ.

I do not want to condemn, or be over opinionated. I just want to make sure these people know that someone still cares and there are still people who value others.

I am not just another person out to gain from friendship. I want them to gain, I want to be taken advantage of and used.

All the while being refreshed by Christ.

As told by wikipedia: The White Panther party ethos reads:

In November of 1968, Fifth Estate published the "White Panther State/meant". This manifesto, in emulation of the Black Panthers, ended with a ten-point program:

Full endorsement and support of Black Panther Party's 10-Point Program
Total assault on the culture by any means necessary, including rock n' roll, dope and fucking in the streets.
Free exchange of energy and materials - we demand the end of money!
Free food, clothes, housing, dope, music, bodies, medical care - everything free for everybody!
Free access to information media - free the technology from the greed creeps!
Free time and space for all humans - dissolve all unnatural boundaries.
Free all schools and all structures from corporate rule - turn the buildings over to the people at once!
Free all prisoners everywhere - they are our brothers.
Free all soldiers at once - no more conscripted armies.
Free the people from their "leaders" - leaders suck - all power to all the people freedom means free everyone!

What a bunch of freakin' hippies.

I probably shouldn't be alone on nights like this. I should probably go to bed (it's only 9:30), but I think I want to paint. I think if I do, I would end up ruining something. Perhaps that's just what I need.

I feel old and out of it sometimes. I feel unattached and out of the loop. I'm as quarky as I've ever been, and maybe more.

One rent check away from bankruptcy.

Is my nephew Lou Reed?

So three new opprotunities to show have popped up. Two seem like good venues to show and sell work. One seems like it would just be a fun thing, and it's free. So no harm in that. Besides I might be pleasantly surprised about the outcome. My sure bet of the summer DJG proved to be the biggest let down. Didn't sell a thing.

I am going to try to make some pieces which bridge the gap between my sketches and fine art. They may be more accesible to the viewer. Not as descrete and less in price due to the size, and time put into them. Maybe if I sell a few of these and start a fan base, in the future they will buy prints and then maybe paintings.

It's kind of hard to start something in this town, but one thing is for sure, if I can get blue collar people to buy expensive work it seems like in a city with actual expendible income they will also sell. Although, so far, my experiences in Indianapolis haven't been promising. I may need a city on a coast or a seaport in order to move some pieces from my apt. to a "collector".

I really hope I don't read this in 5 years and consider it too idealistic. Please pray for me.

Paint crew until December?

I ran 12 miles today, and I think the joints in my knees are going to disintegrate.

I am posting this from my house. I opened my computer today, and I had two dots of wireless. So I decided to make a celebratory post. Friday I am moving out of said house. Zack said he would help me so that's good. I have work in ten mins, and this may be my earliest post to date.

It's going to be weird to have students be back in Marion and not be one. I have friends still in school plotting out their year and it's exciting, and I will never be back. When I graduated, I felt like I was so ready to be done. Now I realize there were certain great things about college that I will miss.

Some of them include:
Lone walks around campus
The art building stairs
"Reading" in the SC
Being a T.A. helping people with projects

I figured summer meant no one was coming back to school, and in a weird way that made sense that it ended for everyone when it ended for me. It's a completely different campus this year with all the construction. It may turn out that I feel like I never even went there.

R.I.P. I.W.U.

People having babies! Well this person was my sister, so meet Tate Alexander!

2 In the Face of War shows in 2 nights. Last night was a blistering list of bands that in the end topped at 7. The high light was Ruiner, very good.

It's like highschool and the first 2 years of college all over again. Except more responsibilities now.

I will probably always battle what comes first: a girlfriend, or art. Most girlfriends have not understood the importance of art in my life and my desire to express myself in that way. I feel, that it is the single most expression I can put forth. Writing doesn't do it for me, or anything else. I can put the colors, textures, values etc. That I want to and how I want them. All to create a cohesive piece or work. I have been hearing lately about men who are not passionate. And about how a lot of women are sick of men who lay around all day or are not passionate about this that or the other. But where I come in is my extreme passion for painting and drawing. I think that I am too passionate, it gets in the way of a functioning relationship. I have had one girl who has understood this, and despite her great attempts at taming whatever it is that is the driving force in me...It still failed.

It's been obvious that I don't know what I need, but I always thought this: Someone who appreciates this, and isn't trying (in vain) to funnel this passion into feelings about her. The feelings towards art can never be switched for a girl. I have 2 separate sections for love of art, and love of people.

So basically I need someone who allows me to venture over into the corners of my mind to express myself. Let me be fully done with it and then, when I can fully focus on them, come back and express my love, value, appreciation, etc for them. If that is accomplished, I can really let someone whom I care about know HOW much, and my brain won't be split into a couple different pieces and not able to focus on one thing.

Maybe I need to be psycho-analyzed.

My self esteem really isn't soaring at this point. Just many issues over the past 4 or so months have cemented a thought in my mind about worthiness towards the opposite sex. I don't want to hear about what a great guy I am anymore. Or what a great best friend I am. Part of me wants to be worthy enough to be with someone, and maybe for them to think that about me. (very selfish) Don't get me wrong, I am not lying around the house crying "woe is me"...but I have been seriously thinking about my character and morals. How they matter in the grand scheme of things.

If I long for something that is out of His plan for now is that sinful? Should I live a life and expect things to happen? I feel like when I pursue I fail, and when I am running things I never make the correct choices. How can I be sure my mind is of His perspective and not just lonely.

Why is there a spot in me which feels like it needs companionship?

Is longing wrong? Or do I long only for selfish reasons?

24!

Happy 4th of July, America.

I have been talking about my friends from home a lot and I think it begins to grate on the nerves of those who have yet to meet them. Now, that I realize this, I play it up and tell more and more stories. Most people aren't really listening. I don't have to work tomorrow so I am up late. Checking email from Carmin circle.

World Cup hopes dashed.

I'm not producing. I hope my book comes before I go to Chicago this weekend. This trip will be a great break from Marion. Hopefully I can shake the blues I have had this week.