wrangled and wrinkled.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

…I didn't give anyone permission to see inside of my head. "Well that's your problem, anyway" If you were a friend, you would grant me grace and realize everyone needs their secrets. Without secrets, nothing would eat you alive.
Tim was always saying dick things like that. Tim was just one of them. If you could ask him to be gentle with a baby lamb, he'd slay it and burn its ashes to make a milkshake. In short, he was insensitive. Or, to say the least, a tad destructive. He'd like to pretend he was actually being bluntly honest but what he was really doing was unconsciously tearing your self-esteem into little pieces of confetti.But he always a celebration anyway. It was fine by me, I let him live. My other friends couldn't handle it as well. Either I'm thick skinned or a pushover. Or maybe I am just as insensitive and brash.
Secrets though, lend themselves to be strange bedfellows. One moment you're glad to have kept yourself so pure. Not tainting them with a stranger's opinion and heresy. I'd be a good cowboy. It would be easy not to talk to anyone. All you have is cattle and they listen to you in silence.

Not Constance. In fact, just the name Constance leads you to believe, and this just by hearing the name: That she is better than you. Or she can do something better than you. Like in first grade, if you and her we in those reading groups, she'd be a blue bird reading at 3rd grade level and you were still trying to pronounce simple words. She'd play it off, though. Demeaning herself if ever she got a better grade than you.
"Gosh, I really thought I was going to fail this test. Geez. So how did you do?"
"I got a 62."
"Oh, I'm really sorry, but really, I didn't study at all. It must be some fluke."

This heavenly girl could also be conniving. Not in the usual woman head game thing, but because she could think 4 moves ahead, she'd get you. Just then, she barged in on Tim and I.

"Oh, how are you doing?"

This greeting wasn't directed to anyone in general. It was to show us she didn't favor one over the other. Evading all conflict, she gave us a "cover-all" hello, and it was just subtle enough for us to accept it as a kind gesture. She often wore herself thin being everything to everyone. People loved and adored her though. Every single time she saw you it was like you had been locked away for a quarter of a century.

"So what are you doing tonight?"

Addressing the two of us, not making eye contact, but focusing her gaze upon the single poster in my room: One of the latest pop star, of course hung in jest, but none the less a guilty pleasure of mine.

"I will probably bum around." Tim explained, as if Constance and I or his other friends weren't good enough to make some sort of commitment or arrangement to hang out.

"I've been pretty tired lately, and really diving into my work. I can't imagine me being anyone's idea of good company."

Cutting him off in mid-stream she gave some encouragement. "Tim, you know no one thinks that!"This is what made his and hers relationship a special one.

Tim needed affirmation frequently, and Constance, the patron saint of everything good and nice was more than welcome to buffer his fragile ego. I'd like to think Con had a heart of gold, but even her words seemed light on sincerity. She, like Tim hated any sort of commitment. "So anyway, can I have those pictures of Sara?" Tim asked. "What do you mean?" "Well, it’s just, you guys are broken up and seeing how I am friends with her too, I would like to remember her in…""In what, Tim?" By now, I was becoming to realize what he was going to lay on me next…"Well, you know, when she was happy."
"No, I don’t care if you date her. We are still friends and I love her to death, and I can accept that she wants to be happy."

Far be it from my friends to also realize I was still grasping, very fledgingly towards some sort of happiness too. She wasn’t the only martyr in this relationship. If she was a martyr, I’d like to know what exactly she died for.
"Come on man, I would never do that to you. – What kind of creep do you take me for?""The creepiest." Constance and I said in unison.

I think she was starting to see a glimmer of trying to understand how I feel. She was really trying to be a friend, no matter her motives. I can accept that. I will take what I can get, most of the time.

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