wrangled and wrinkled.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

2 In the Face of War shows in 2 nights. Last night was a blistering list of bands that in the end topped at 7. The high light was Ruiner, very good.

It's like highschool and the first 2 years of college all over again. Except more responsibilities now.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I will probably always battle what comes first: a girlfriend, or art. Most girlfriends have not understood the importance of art in my life and my desire to express myself in that way. I feel, that it is the single most expression I can put forth. Writing doesn't do it for me, or anything else. I can put the colors, textures, values etc. That I want to and how I want them. All to create a cohesive piece or work. I have been hearing lately about men who are not passionate. And about how a lot of women are sick of men who lay around all day or are not passionate about this that or the other. But where I come in is my extreme passion for painting and drawing. I think that I am too passionate, it gets in the way of a functioning relationship. I have had one girl who has understood this, and despite her great attempts at taming whatever it is that is the driving force in me...It still failed.

It's been obvious that I don't know what I need, but I always thought this: Someone who appreciates this, and isn't trying (in vain) to funnel this passion into feelings about her. The feelings towards art can never be switched for a girl. I have 2 separate sections for love of art, and love of people.

So basically I need someone who allows me to venture over into the corners of my mind to express myself. Let me be fully done with it and then, when I can fully focus on them, come back and express my love, value, appreciation, etc for them. If that is accomplished, I can really let someone whom I care about know HOW much, and my brain won't be split into a couple different pieces and not able to focus on one thing.

Maybe I need to be psycho-analyzed.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

My self esteem really isn't soaring at this point. Just many issues over the past 4 or so months have cemented a thought in my mind about worthiness towards the opposite sex. I don't want to hear about what a great guy I am anymore. Or what a great best friend I am. Part of me wants to be worthy enough to be with someone, and maybe for them to think that about me. (very selfish) Don't get me wrong, I am not lying around the house crying "woe is me"...but I have been seriously thinking about my character and morals. How they matter in the grand scheme of things.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

If I long for something that is out of His plan for now is that sinful? Should I live a life and expect things to happen? I feel like when I pursue I fail, and when I am running things I never make the correct choices. How can I be sure my mind is of His perspective and not just lonely.

Why is there a spot in me which feels like it needs companionship?

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Is longing wrong? Or do I long only for selfish reasons?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy 4th of July, America.

I have been talking about my friends from home a lot and I think it begins to grate on the nerves of those who have yet to meet them. Now, that I realize this, I play it up and tell more and more stories. Most people aren't really listening. I don't have to work tomorrow so I am up late. Checking email from Carmin circle.