Happy St. Patrick's day.
Sometimes I can't help but feel alone with my art. I put so much work into it, I get praise and a certain level of fulfillment. But often times it's the most time consuming thing in my life. It's like being a single dad. (stick with me here) You have to make constant arrangements to make sure you have a space, you turn down plans to hang out with inanimate objects, you are perceived as being lazy or a mooch, it costs time and money to produce, it takes time to earn the money to produce it, most often you don't get money for it, you don't get what you truly desire from it. Which for me, that's mainly an understanding between you and the viewer. Or a respect. Most of the time, you get empty compliments, false praise, disapproving comments/glances etc. For what? It has to be the least fulfillment per hour spent out of any job I know besides teaching, janitorial services, or being a garbage man. All of with are so integral to modernity. And so is art. So then what?
I have friends who give good advice, but aren't as invested as maybe parents or a significant other. My parents are 4 hours away, and I am most definitely single. I really desire someone to be totally transparent with. I want to be that person for someone too, but I can't help but think that those are selfish desires. And as said in previous posts I believe as humans we are meant to love and be loved. Although, both I would say are getting something out of that too.
Women for the most part in my experience don't want to take a back seat to anything (understandably so) and even though I desire what I said above, my art is a major passion of mine too. Thus my thinking I will probably not have what I desire anytime in the near future.
I'm sick of college towns and students, I'm sick of their out look. I'm sick of my own outlook, and I drastically need a change. I believe I am better than the state at which I sit presently. I just have so many bills coming up, I don't think I can afford to pay for a move. I'm just stuck.